Once upon a time, when I still thought that crank calls were actually humorous, I would occasionally call up some unsuspecting individual, and as soon as I discerned that they had the phone to their ear, I’d say, before they had a chance to speak, something like “Domino’s Pizza; will this be for pickup or delivery?” The weak premise was to somehow convince them that they’d called me.

No, it wasn’t very humorous, really. And it’s still not, especially when it’s from a telemarketer.

I’m currently involved with a mild altercation with my bank. They say one thing, I say another. We’ll get it worked out. However, they have utilized the services, apparently, of this company whose job is to actually make the phone calls. I’ve received calls from “Missus Blackwell” and “Mistah Williams” et. Al., who demand that I call them back IMMEDIATELY.

But lately, I’ve been getting an even more annoying version. It’s bad enough when I answer the phone and get a computerized voice telling me “This call is important to us; please remain on the line and the first available representative will be with you shortly.” Let me get this straight–you called me and I’m on hold? I’m supposed to wait for the omnipotent, distinguished, celebrated MISSUS BLACKWELL to shake loose a few moments for me, when (a) I don’t know who the fuck is calling; (b) I don’t know who the fuck MISSUS BLACKWELL is; and (c) What the fuck?

Note: This is particularly surreal and somewhat idiotic when I check my voicemail to discover that Company X called me and put my voicemail on hold. I would have thought that would cause time-travel or something.

I understand that this is common practice now, but a few points, if any of you souls who actually make the calls are reading this.

• I don’t answer calls whose caller ID shows as “UNK-NOWN.” Not now, not ever. I am also aware that I am not the only person in the universe who behaves in this manner. Here’s big fat fucking clue, folks: If you actually expect to make human contact at some point, configure your damned phone banks to show who is calling. People who are avoiding bill collectors, lawyers, rabid ex-significant-others, etc., are not going to answer the phone, ever. Those of us who merely are avoiding telemarketers and are actually attempting in a good-faith fashion to resolve problems are more likely than not to answer the phone if it says “BankOne” as opposed to “UNK-NOWN.”
• Christ on a crutch, people, don’t EVER call me and put me on hold auto-magically. I will hang up. I will NOT wait. Fuck. You.
• If, by the off chance, the human on the phones representing Company X does in fact leave a real, not-computer-generated message, don’t be coy–tell me who Company X is. I won’t call you back, not even if you’re fuckin’ MISSUS BLACKWELL (insert appropriate neighing of horses, thunder and lightening here, a la Young Frankenstein).
• One final little tidbit: I know it’ll be challenging for you, but do try to wipe that damned patronizing, arrogant, condescending, supercilious, pretentious sneer out of your voice, eh? I know you may spend all your days calling credit-card bill dodgers, writers of rubberized cheques, and deadbeat dads, but lo and behold, I ain’t one of ‘em. In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not Hammurabi, dispensing justice and judgements to the great masses of the unwashed–you’re a phone weenie. In case you missed it above, let me recapitulate for your benefit: Fuck. You.

No, I don’t expect any of the Phone Weenie Battalion to be reading this, and if they are, perhaps they’re one of the “good” ones who doesn’t get all puffed up by holding a position of imagined authority. In that case, good; try to convert your colleagues.

On the other hand, if a representative of a generic Company X is reading this, or (Jesu forfend!) if you’re reading this, MISSUS BLACKWELL (neigh, crash, boom), try to remember that in utilizing such obviously ridiculous, obfuscative, and offensive tactics you’re not scaring anybody, and you’re not getting results. You’re just pissing people off.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 28th, 2005 at 12:00 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.