George Bush’s recent nomination for appointment to the Supreme Court of Tiamut Kutulu, a ten foot tall creature inhabited with the malevolent demon spirit of one of the “Ancient Ones” sent shockwaves of mild surprise through Washington last week. Kutulu, who has the body of a wolf, the face of a feral boar crossed with a wildebeest, and feeds on homosexuals, is certainly one of Bush’s more controversial judicial appointees; a fact that has sparked slight controversy and a response of cautious ambivalence amongst Democrats in this morning’s senatorial hearings.

Democratic Senator Thomas Daschle was amongst those who were somewhat incredulous. “I began by asking Mr. Kutulu where he came from, if indeed he was a citizen of the United States, and why he had not been able to produce any proof of judicial experience whatsoever. He answered me in a voice of a thousand tormented screams that he originates from the seventh ring of hell and that he knows and sees all. Then he made a general instruction to the assembly to bring him the bodies of homosexuals for him to make a feast of. ‘Bring the faggots unto me, bring the faggots unto me,’ he kept repeating while banging his large cane composed of what appeared to be an amalgam of petrified entrails onto the floor.”

Senator Bill Frist (R, TN), a supporter of Mr. Kutulu’s appointment, was quick to dismiss the tepid remonstrations of his Democratic counterparts, “The nominated appointee’s penchant for the consumption of the meat of the homosexual has been noted, yet I feel compelled to clarify that this inclination doesn’t necessary denote an inherent prejudice against the homosexuals per se, the same as any of us here who eat bacon likely don’t feel specific ill will to pigs, and therefore wouldn’t necessarily guarantee his judging contrary to the benefit of homosexuals,” he proffered.

Skepticism grew later in the hearings, however, when Dianne Feinstein(D, CA) made pointed inquiries of Mr. Kutulu on his position regarding the civil rights of homosexuals specifically, and of his opinion of homosexuals place in modern society in general. “They belong in my belly. They have the right only to melt there in the caustic acid of my four stomachs and to be shat out in piles for the parasites to devour over time,” replied Mr. Kutulu.

“That was a bit weird. Something about the language he uses strikes me as a little off,” remarked Senator Feinstein.

In contrast to the moderate concern of Democratic senators, members of the gay community are outraged. “After Bush’s last gay-bashing, pro-life judicial appointment, I thought to myself, ‘What’s next? Some sort of fag eating monster?’ Well, this answers that one,” commented Jeffrey Hudson, a spokesman for GLAAD (Gay and Lesbians Alliance Against Defamation).

“Oh, they just like to fuss,” rebutted Senator George Allen (R, VA).

Despite the carefully tempered misgivings of the Democratic senators, the appointment of Tiamut Kutulu was confirmed in the afternoon vote by a count of 74-26. Mr. Kutulu then promptly ate Trent Lott (R, MS).

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 25th, 2006 at 8:24 pm and is filed under Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.