Rootkits, after dying down for a bit, seem to be back. Beware. If you’re a *nix user (yeah, that means you, too, MacZealots!), get rkhunter. If you’re a Windows user, kill and burn a small animal.

We report, you decide…

• Adding plugins to Satirica #
• Getting ready to go on an Army surplus store binge with RCB #
• Hmmm. Finding coat is *hard* #

Shogun (Mycroft Junior, if you will) will be departing stateside in June to spend two years in Mongolia (yes, THAT Mongolia) teaching English to the Mongolians. For those of you not familiar with the Mongolian climate systems, it gets cold in Mongolia–as in -20 degrees Fahrenheit for portions of the year.

Therefore, Shogun needs a coat. A reeeeally warm coat. The longer, heavier, and more woolen the better. I’m having trouble finding such an animal. I had originally thought that it would be child’s play to find a 1960s-era Cold (ha!) War German or Soviet coat at a military surplus store, but searches both locally and online have yielded precisely nothing.

Recommendations sought.

Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t
Satirica rating:	NO STARS. Not just awful, but GODawful. Abnormal brain. DO NOT USE.
Author:	Jim Collins
ASIN:	0066620996
Label:	Collins
Date added:	2007-04-28 01:00:38

---

Oh my fucking God.

This is the stupidest book ever written. I do not, can not, will not ever understand how Joe Blow, Author, can cobble together a bunch of truisms into a “management philosophy,” package it with cute little sidebars in the text and 14-point type, slap a dumbass slogan on the cover, and voila!–sell the shit out of it.

Here’s an example. No, really, I just randomly opened the book just now.

Indeed, one of the crucial elements in taking a company from good to great is somewhat paradoxical. You need executives, on the one hand, who argue and debate–sometimes violently–in pursuit of the best answers, yet, on the other hand, who unify fully behind a decision, regardless of their parochial interests.

OK, this is ridiculous on several levels. First, it’s a truism. The deconstructed version of this paragraph is “Have bosses that care enough to have deep talks, but who then make a call and stick with it.” Secondly, this entire truism is treated as some kind of Great Fucking Truth ™ rather than the Mr. Obvious bit it is, and finally, the assumption that every executive will have “parochial interests” as their first line of attack is oversimplification.

THE WHOLE BOOK IS LIKE THIS.

I am currently writing a parody sequel of this book for posting here on Satirica, entitled “Great to Fan-Damn-Tastic.” Also under consideration are “Sweet Jesus, You’re So Fucking Stupid to Marginally Adequate” and “Marginally Adequate to Good,” thus completing the cycle of mental retardation this book represents.

Unless you wish to strain your forehead muscles rolling your eyes in disgust, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

-m

Larry Ellison on Thursday came to the startling yet enlightening realization that he is not god. As a result, Oracle’s CEO has gone totally monastic.

Ellison’s breakthrough occurred following a recent brain-glazing procedure. The billionaire software maker felt a slight, post-op twinge and then saw god before him. The god figure’s absence of a beard or a Bill Gates complex convinced Ellison he was not looking at himself.

Frame of reference altered in a major way, Ellison now plans to become the world’s best monk.

“Larry comes to us once or twice a year to make sure that his brain is in top condition,” said Beverley Hills-based plastic surgeon Herm Deftouche. “We remove a large chunk of his skull and coat his brain with a proprietary mixture called Grey Batter. Like many of our clients, Larry thinks a well-polished, aristocratic brain gives him an edge over rivals. And, in actual fact, a shimmering brain is beyond spectacular.”

Deftouche has characterized Ellison’s god episode as a coincidence that has nothing to do with the brain-glazing operation.”This is not some kind of side effect,” he said. “Although, if it keeps happening and customers like it, I might consider changing my stance.”

Ellison has ordered immediate work to begin on a $80m monastery in Woodside that will flank his current $30m Japan-inspired home.

On the business front, Ellison has decided that Oracle must return the numerous companies it has acquired over the past few years.

“The way of the new Larry requires that I make use only of that which I have created,” Ellison told the press. “To profit from the labor of others would not be in line with the high spirit’s vibration.”

Cisco CEO John Chambers has offered to set up a halfway house for companies stranded by Oracle’s acquisition purge.

“Somebody has to do something,” Chambers said. “Larry has finally lost his mind.”

Ellison’s wife Melanie Craft – who insisted we point out that she has never met Dr. Deftouche – has started work on a new romance novel about a billionaire who finds god, goes ape shit crazy and leaves all his cash to his young wife just before he dies during an ancient religious procedure known as “the great corpuscle.” Craft claims that the new book, like her first about a billionaire who woos a trophy bride, derives no inspiration from her real life.

The whole finding god thing has finally given Ellison a point of differentiation from his technology elite peers. Bill Gates will always be richer. Steve Jobs will always be more charismatic. Jerry Sanders will always be better dressed. Scott McNealy will always be a better golfer. And Gordon Moore will always have a bigger law.

But when it comes to god, Ellison will be far closer to the deity than all the rest of those heathens.

Ultimately, what else can a man with such a shiny brain ask for?

(From The Register ’s April Fool’s edition)