…he also won a Grammy, beating out Alan Alda, Maya Angelou, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. Good weekend for Big Barak.

…but possibly a huge problem down the road a bit for Hillary.

Senators Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton share a common liability. In Obama’s case, it’s having to run a race against Bill and Hillary. In Hillary’s, it’s having to put up with Big Bill not staying on message, and making such grimace-causing comments as these, made in Blackwood, NJ, today:

With a nod to his own economic record while he was president, moving the country into surplus territory with good job and wage growth, the former president said: “We can bring America back. We have done it before and she will do it again.”

We? She? Oh, ouch.

“More than half the world is mad at us,” Clinton observed. “We have to send a different message to the world and she is uniquely qualified to do it

“And the message goes like this,” he continued, and not without some irony:

“We’re back.”

Wait–”we,” the United States, or “we,” The Clintons ™?

Jesus, Bill–you were a damn fine president; even the right-wingers will give you that the domestic product kicked ass and took names when you were in office. But you need to back the hell off. If Hillary’s handlers had any brains, they would have locked Bill in a basement somewhere and brought him out two or three times in the primaries at strategic moments, then, during the national convention, brought him out to speak. That would have been spectacular.

Instead, he’s coming off like a that mouse creature thing on Jabba the Hut’s shoulder, ruining his legacy and what respect he had garnered in the 90s, and becoming a Democratic Dick Cheney attack dog. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

And here’s one final clue, Bill.

While I’ve always held that the entire Monica Lewinsky “thing” was an engineered scandal, and that your private life was your own, you might consider NOT doing the finger-wagging thing. The last time you did that, you were lying out your ass. Granted, about a completely non-political and utterly unrelated topic that the press, nor Ken Starr, nor the Congress had any business asking you about in the first place, but lying all the same. You were a great president, but you have no right to chastise, methinks.

As long-time members of Satirica will note, one of my areas of political interest as a social liberal and fiscal conservative is attempting to discover what happened to the Republican party between the Eisenhower/Goldwater/Nixon years through Reagan and the Falwell-influenced resurgence of religious fundamentalism that has eclipsed true conservatism.

In my reading this week, I found this interesting quote by Barry Goldwater. For those of you too young to remember, the intellectual fuel which powered the Republican party through the 50s, 60s, and 70s can be traced to Goldwater’s ideas. Rejector of the New Deal, Major General in the Air Force Reserves, he was often referred to in the press as “Mr. Conservative.” While his influence after the late 60s began to wane, he was the arch-conservative in the Senate all the way through 1987.

Here’s Goldwater in 1981:

“I’m frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that, if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in A, B, C, or D. Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of ‘conservatism’”

And again, from the same Senate speech:

“The religious factions will go on imposing their will on others, unless the decent people connected to them recognize that religion has no place in public policy. They must learn to make their views known without trying to make their views the only alternatives. . . We have succeeded for 205 years in keeping the affairs of state separate from the uncompromising idealism of religious groups and we mustn’t stop now…To retreat from that separation would violate the principles of conservatism and the values upon which the framers built this democratic republic.”

And this final fillip, from a Goldwater press conference in early 1980:

“I think every good Christian should line up to kick Jerry Falwell in the ass.”

All this, from “Mr. Conservative.”

Republicans of the universe, especially those who are in favor of the new, tight relationship between the religious right and the Republican party: What happened? I could have easily voted for a Goldwater in the last election–if anyone in ANY party even remotely like him was running. (Of course, a fiery, unapologetic liberal spirit like Hubert Humphrey would get my attention, too; it simply seems that all political figures these days are lukewarm, and therefore I spew them from my mouth.)

Is this new fundamentalist-Republican alliance a marriage of convenience, or are their groups who really wish to break down the customary separation of church and state? (We’re halfway there already, with Bush’s ‘faith based initiatives.’)

I ask without rancor, but as a passenger on a train about whose destination I have grave, grave concerns.

A quote worth repeating:

When the enemies of freedom come to “rescue” us from the regnant social chaos, they will not be wearing brown shirts and hailing der Führer; they will come waving the flag and clutching the Bible—seemingly innocent symbols of American culture. –James Luther Adams, in 1972.

Haven’t read it yet–am GOING to.

American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War On America
Satirica rating:	Four stars: Not bad at all; good points, well written. Recommended.
Author:	Chris Hedges
ASIN:	0743284437
Label:	Free Press
Date added:	2007-05-03 15:07:27

---

Larry Ellison on Thursday came to the startling yet enlightening realization that he is not god. As a result, Oracle’s CEO has gone totally monastic.

Ellison’s breakthrough occurred following a recent brain-glazing procedure. The billionaire software maker felt a slight, post-op twinge and then saw god before him. The god figure’s absence of a beard or a Bill Gates complex convinced Ellison he was not looking at himself.

Frame of reference altered in a major way, Ellison now plans to become the world’s best monk.

“Larry comes to us once or twice a year to make sure that his brain is in top condition,” said Beverley Hills-based plastic surgeon Herm Deftouche. “We remove a large chunk of his skull and coat his brain with a proprietary mixture called Grey Batter. Like many of our clients, Larry thinks a well-polished, aristocratic brain gives him an edge over rivals. And, in actual fact, a shimmering brain is beyond spectacular.”

Deftouche has characterized Ellison’s god episode as a coincidence that has nothing to do with the brain-glazing operation.”This is not some kind of side effect,” he said. “Although, if it keeps happening and customers like it, I might consider changing my stance.”

Ellison has ordered immediate work to begin on a $80m monastery in Woodside that will flank his current $30m Japan-inspired home.

On the business front, Ellison has decided that Oracle must return the numerous companies it has acquired over the past few years.

“The way of the new Larry requires that I make use only of that which I have created,” Ellison told the press. “To profit from the labor of others would not be in line with the high spirit’s vibration.”

Cisco CEO John Chambers has offered to set up a halfway house for companies stranded by Oracle’s acquisition purge.

“Somebody has to do something,” Chambers said. “Larry has finally lost his mind.”

Ellison’s wife Melanie Craft – who insisted we point out that she has never met Dr. Deftouche – has started work on a new romance novel about a billionaire who finds god, goes ape shit crazy and leaves all his cash to his young wife just before he dies during an ancient religious procedure known as “the great corpuscle.” Craft claims that the new book, like her first about a billionaire who woos a trophy bride, derives no inspiration from her real life.

The whole finding god thing has finally given Ellison a point of differentiation from his technology elite peers. Bill Gates will always be richer. Steve Jobs will always be more charismatic. Jerry Sanders will always be better dressed. Scott McNealy will always be a better golfer. And Gordon Moore will always have a bigger law.

But when it comes to god, Ellison will be far closer to the deity than all the rest of those heathens.

Ultimately, what else can a man with such a shiny brain ask for?

(From The Register ’s April Fool’s edition)

With Molly no longer with us, Texas, rather than having one lone voice pointing out that the Emperor is, in fact, butt nekkid, now has absolutely no perspective. God help us all.

A few of my favorite incisive and discerning quotes from Ms. Ivins…

On the 2000 campaign:

• “It’s like having Ted Baxter of the old ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ show running for president: Gore has Ted’s manner, and Bush has his brain.” (Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 10/25/2000)

On George W. Bush:

• “If you think his daddy had trouble with ‘the vision thing,’ wait’ll you meet this one.” (Progressive, June 1999)

On Bill Clinton:

• “If left to my own devices, I’d spend all my time pointing out that he’s weaker than bus-station chili.” (Introduction to “You Got to Dance With Them What Brung You”)
• “No one but a fool or a Republican ever took him for a liberal.” (”You Got to Dance With Them What Brung You”)

On George Bush Sr.:

• “Calling George Bush shallow is like calling a dwarf short.” (Mother Jones, February 1990)
• “The next person who refers to David Duke as a populist ought to be Bushururued, as they now say in Japan, meaning to have someone puke in your lap.” (Mother Jones, May/June 1992)

On Ronald Reagan:

• “You have to ignore a lot of stuff in order to laugh about Reagan — dead babies and such — but years of practice with the Texas Lege is just what a body needs to get in shape for the concept of Edwin Meese as attorney general. Beer also helps.” (Progressive, March 1986)
• (Responding to the Reagan warning that “The Red Tide will lap at our very borders.”) “These sneaky bastards from Nicaragua — there’s 3 million of ‘em down there, there’s only 16 million Texans, and they’ve got us cornered between the Rio Grande and the North Pole.” (Progressive, May 1986)
• “I have been collecting euphemisms used on television to suggest that our only president is so dumb that if you put his brains in a bee, it would fly backwards.” (Progressive, August 1987)

On Texas:

• “I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults.” (Fort Worth Star-Telegram column, March 1, 1992)
• “I love Texas, but it is a nasty old rawhide mother in the way it bears down on the people who have the fewest defenses,” Ivins wrote in September 2002.

On the National Rifle Association:

• “You can count on the NRA to put on a show that makes King Lear look like a master of understatement. I suspect they’re all thwarted thespians: If we could just get them into show business we wouldn’t have to listen to them carry on about how freedom is just another word for a .357 Magnum. (Progressive, August 1999)

On Berkeley, Calif.:

• “If there are hookers in this town, they wear Rockports.” (Fort Worth Star-Telegram, March 12, 1997)

On Camille Paglia:

• “Christ! Get this woman a Valium!” (Mother Jones, 1991)

On Jerry Brown:

• “Question: What would happen to Brown’s face if he smiled? Second question: What would it take to make him smile?” (Fort Worth Star-Telegram, March 10, 1992)

On H. Ross Perot:

• “It’s hard to envision a seriously short guy who sounds like a Chihuahua as a charismatic threat to democracy, but it is delicious to watch the thrills of horror running through the Establishment at the mere thought.” (Time, June 1992)

On cancer:

• “I’m sorry to say (cancer) can kill you but it doesn’t make you a better person,” she told the San Antonio Express-News in September 2006, the same month cancer claimed her friend former Gov. Ann Richards.

On Texas voters:

• “Naturally, when it comes to voting, we in Texas are accustomed to discerning that fine hair’s-breadth worth of difference that makes one hopeless dipstick slightly less awful than the other. But it does raise the question: Why bother?”, in a 2002 column about a California political race.

On Bush Jr.:

• “The poor man who is currently our president has reached such a point of befuddlement that he thinks stem cell research is the same as taking human lives, but that 40,000 dead Iraqi civilians are progress toward democracy,” from a July 2006 column urging commentator Bill Moyers to run for president.

On Pat Buchanan:

• “Many people did not care for Pat Buchanan’s speech; it probably sounded better in the original German,” Ivins in September 1992, commenting on the one-time presidential hopeful’s speech to the Republican National Convention.