In late August of ‘07, I moved to a new position out there in the World o’ Work ™. As many of the denizens at my new job will soon be making their appearances within these hallowed cyberhalls, I thought it might be useful to have a brief thumbnail sketch of them to guide you along, Constant Reader. To-wit, then, those with whom I spend many waking hours. (NB: this will encompass three separate posts)

Babbage: Our senior Unix admin. Babs is one of the few individuals with whom I’ve ever worked that knows the significance of the IBM 701. This can either be described as reassuring or frightening as hell, depending on one’s point of view. Besides being a top-notch Unix guy, he’s also a bit of a philosopher-king; in addition to having 30 years under his belt as a geek, he’s taken classes at the University of Heidelburg. In German. Key attribute: Sangfroid.

Sarge: Develops and maintains all server and security monitoring services for the company. In his prior life (geek for the Air Force) he handled sensitive communication for various departments, so he’s already well-versed in such machinations, although he’s oftimes hamstrung by the goofy lack of hierarchy our company has. (it’s flat as a pre-Magellanic worldview) Takes no shit from no body, and therefore occasionally finds himself gently at odds with his more mossbacked or less accomplished colleagues. To date, no blood has been shed. Key attribute: Whoop-ass.

Lore: PHP developer. Named not, as might assume for the Lore of Star Trek fame, but rather after the talented Lore Sjöberg of Brunching Shuttlecocks and Bad Gods fame. Not because he’s in any way like him, but because he looks like him. Lore is tremendously skilled, but has no safety valve. If he were a locomotive, he would go from “standing immovable on the siding” to “hurtling down the track at 240 mph with no deadman’s brake” almost instantaneously. Good man to know, especially in a crisis situation, but don’t…stand…in…front…of…him. Key attribute: Attaque à outrance.

Roebling: Our resident software engineer. He serves in the necessary “prophet on the rock,” preaching the gospel of good software design to those who have yet to accept the Good News into their hearts. In many cases, the ultimate doom of some of our more crack-brained hastily thrown together crisis management hacks work has been correctly ascertained by Roebling as being destined to fall apart under its own weight. Basically stated, from a good-design point of view, he’s almost always right. Conversely, however, we don’t have anything better to replace any of the crappy software yet, either. Can’t stop the business, don’t you know. Key attribute: Loathing.

Doodlebug: Big D is our boss. He’s been in technology for about has long as I have, but much more of his time has been spent as a manager and executive than have I. Smart guy, basically a good guy, but as they said in the Victorian era, a deep old file. Quotable quotes: “It is what it is.” (Used to close a topic.) “Take it offline” (shut the fuck up and fix it) and while not quotable, his cherubic, unsettling, and vaguely Pope-like grin. Dress him in red with a little hat, and he’s Richelieu. Key attribute: Management by fractal mathematics.

Rootkits, after dying down for a bit, seem to be back. Beware. If you’re a *nix user (yeah, that means you, too, MacZealots!), get rkhunter. If you’re a Windows user, kill and burn a small animal.

• Adding plugins to Satirica #
• Getting ready to go on an Army surplus store binge with RCB #
• Hmmm. Finding coat is *hard* #

Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t
Satirica rating:	NO STARS. Not just awful, but GODawful. Abnormal brain. DO NOT USE.
Author:	Jim Collins
ASIN:	0066620996
Label:	Collins
Date added:	2007-04-28 01:00:38

---

Oh my fucking God.

This is the stupidest book ever written. I do not, can not, will not ever understand how Joe Blow, Author, can cobble together a bunch of truisms into a “management philosophy,” package it with cute little sidebars in the text and 14-point type, slap a dumbass slogan on the cover, and voila!–sell the shit out of it.

Here’s an example. No, really, I just randomly opened the book just now.

Indeed, one of the crucial elements in taking a company from good to great is somewhat paradoxical. You need executives, on the one hand, who argue and debate–sometimes violently–in pursuit of the best answers, yet, on the other hand, who unify fully behind a decision, regardless of their parochial interests.

OK, this is ridiculous on several levels. First, it’s a truism. The deconstructed version of this paragraph is “Have bosses that care enough to have deep talks, but who then make a call and stick with it.” Secondly, this entire truism is treated as some kind of Great Fucking Truth ™ rather than the Mr. Obvious bit it is, and finally, the assumption that every executive will have “parochial interests” as their first line of attack is oversimplification.

THE WHOLE BOOK IS LIKE THIS.

I am currently writing a parody sequel of this book for posting here on Satirica, entitled “Great to Fan-Damn-Tastic.” Also under consideration are “Sweet Jesus, You’re So Fucking Stupid to Marginally Adequate” and “Marginally Adequate to Good,” thus completing the cycle of mental retardation this book represents.

Unless you wish to strain your forehead muscles rolling your eyes in disgust, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

-m

Larry Ellison on Thursday came to the startling yet enlightening realization that he is not god. As a result, Oracle’s CEO has gone totally monastic.

Ellison’s breakthrough occurred following a recent brain-glazing procedure. The billionaire software maker felt a slight, post-op twinge and then saw god before him. The god figure’s absence of a beard or a Bill Gates complex convinced Ellison he was not looking at himself.

Frame of reference altered in a major way, Ellison now plans to become the world’s best monk.

“Larry comes to us once or twice a year to make sure that his brain is in top condition,” said Beverley Hills-based plastic surgeon Herm Deftouche. “We remove a large chunk of his skull and coat his brain with a proprietary mixture called Grey Batter. Like many of our clients, Larry thinks a well-polished, aristocratic brain gives him an edge over rivals. And, in actual fact, a shimmering brain is beyond spectacular.”

Deftouche has characterized Ellison’s god episode as a coincidence that has nothing to do with the brain-glazing operation.”This is not some kind of side effect,” he said. “Although, if it keeps happening and customers like it, I might consider changing my stance.”

Ellison has ordered immediate work to begin on a $80m monastery in Woodside that will flank his current $30m Japan-inspired home.

On the business front, Ellison has decided that Oracle must return the numerous companies it has acquired over the past few years.

“The way of the new Larry requires that I make use only of that which I have created,” Ellison told the press. “To profit from the labor of others would not be in line with the high spirit’s vibration.”

Cisco CEO John Chambers has offered to set up a halfway house for companies stranded by Oracle’s acquisition purge.

“Somebody has to do something,” Chambers said. “Larry has finally lost his mind.”

Ellison’s wife Melanie Craft – who insisted we point out that she has never met Dr. Deftouche – has started work on a new romance novel about a billionaire who finds god, goes ape shit crazy and leaves all his cash to his young wife just before he dies during an ancient religious procedure known as “the great corpuscle.” Craft claims that the new book, like her first about a billionaire who woos a trophy bride, derives no inspiration from her real life.

The whole finding god thing has finally given Ellison a point of differentiation from his technology elite peers. Bill Gates will always be richer. Steve Jobs will always be more charismatic. Jerry Sanders will always be better dressed. Scott McNealy will always be a better golfer. And Gordon Moore will always have a bigger law.

But when it comes to god, Ellison will be far closer to the deity than all the rest of those heathens.

Ultimately, what else can a man with such a shiny brain ask for?

(From The Register ’s April Fool’s edition)

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

None of less we do realize the critical importance of individuals being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.

Hang on! I’ve been in this meeting before! I have! It’s the same group of people, we’re just weeks away from launch and these looneys want to change everything!

Why do they always want to improve things when we’re about to go live? They’re nuts! The marketing guys want these bizarre new features, while the developers want to change the underlying architecture, and somehow no one seems to see the obvious - that they’re turning something that might just work into something that probably won’t work. Sigh.

But how could this meeting be so similar to pretty much every meeting in every company I have ever worked for? Sure, the participants look a bit different each time - some older, some new faces, a different conference room, doughnuts instead of bagels, non-dairy creamer instead of real milk, excitement in the air instead of desperation - but the core of the meeting is almost the same as the last one.

But wait. Maybe that’s it. Each subsequent meeting is a little different (or weirder, depending on how you think about it) from the preceding one, and they get more different the further apart they are.

Now, I’ve read there’s a theory of parallel universes that goes like this: If we assume that totality - life, the universe and everything - is infinite (and given what we know, it would seem to be a good assumption), then there is a 100% certainty that every permutation of everything possible exists. One of the favorite “multiverse” ideas, the Open Multiverse model, is described as “a generic prediction of cosmic inflation [which] is an infinite ergodic universe, which, being infinite, must contain Hubble volumes realizing all initial conditions - including an identical copy of you about 10^{10^{29}} meters away.”

So here’s my thinking: What if, without knowing it we slip from one universe to another and therefore in and out of the same meetings shifted in time and space, which is why they all seem more or less the same?

And what if, as we slip from one to the other, we get farther away from where we started, and maybe the conditions of the meetings slowly get less probable compared with those in the universe we started from? That explains it! That’s why the meetings seem similar but also keep getting weirder!

That might also explain why, for example, Windows gets progressively more complex and why Java is such a mess. These are things that shouldn’t get more chaotic, but despite all logic do.

Hmmm. But how do we account for Linux, Perl, Python or Ruby? I guess those things came from alternate universes that I didn’t start from. If those universes are closer to this universe than mine is (or should that be “was”?), then they are newer and less cluttered.

That’s interesting, because if the developers on the other side of the table are really a long way from the universe where they started, it would explain why they seem so alien. I swear I wouldn’t be surprised to find that they’re all wearing latex face masks to hide their stalked eyes.

And all the marketing guys . . . I know! They are pod people from some weird, alternate universe a really huge distance away. Wow. No wonder things seem so strange around them.

So if I can get back to my own universe, everything should make a lot more sense! All I have to do is figure out which meeting to go to. Perhaps it is the meetings in young companies that take you away from the reality you started in, because the gods know they are the weirdest ones.

So to get back to where I started, I need get into meetings that are in older organizations. I know! I need to join a really old government department and get involved in the oldest committees I can find. Oh hell, if I do that, then where would the fun be?

OK, back to battle. Are you guys from another universe? If you change the UI at this late date we’re risking everything . . .

• I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
• I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
• I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
• Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
• I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
• It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
• Do I look like a people person?
• This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
• Oh I get it… like humour… but different.